Tag: older (Page 1 of 2)

Hiraeth: the longing inside.

Sometimes you feel a distinct restlessness. Like you’re not quite in the right place, as though you’re supposed to be somewhere else, but you’re not sure where.

You feel like you have to get back to something, but don’t know what it is.  Or, is it that you’re supposed to be on your way to something else…but can’t see far enough ahead to guess what it could be?

Maybe things just used to feel better.  Like your life.  Your daily routine.  You had things to look forward to, or at least it seemed that way. It might have been nothing more profound that finally organizing the garage or getting all the family photos catalogued.  But it was something you could get up for and then move on to something better.

And maybe what you are longing for never really existed…except in your mind now, when you’re antsy in the present and some part of you thinks if you could just get back….

It’s funny. Now that you are older, you want to be fueled by a stronger energy, a determination to do some of the much more important things you’ve always dreamed of, such as visiting Italy or learning how to fly fish or hiking the Oregon Trail or finding your true love if you messed that up when you were young.  Yet there are days when just thinking about that is exhausting.

Is there still time?  How would you even start?  Do you have the energy to take on something big?  Where did all the years go? And where is this place you are longing to be?

The Welsh have a word for this.  Hiraeth. It is said there is no true translation of this word, but suggested definitions include a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return.  A home that never was. The grief or sadness for who or what you have lost.

And trying to make “home” feel like home is something that seems easier when you are young.  Because the road ahead is long and full of possibilities.  Who know where you will end up?  Who you might meet along the way? What wonderful things will happen?

Then we get a few years on us and some of the air comes out…ever so slowly.  Not enough to make the balloon come down to the ground, but it’s lower. We instead find comfort in where and what we are.  And there’s nothing wrong with that. Because we learn that life is in the details.

One way to look at the word hiraeth is a longing where your spirit lives…your soul…is it a place you can return to, or just a feeling in your mind that overcomes you when you are doing something specific or with a particular person?  Maybe it’s a feeling that you never have unless you are reminiscing, so even if you returned to a beloved spot, it still wouldn’t give you the same feeling.

Or maybe it always has lived in your imagination, and that’s the only place you can find it now.

We all need hiraeth. We need to have a place, real or imagined, where when we visit there it’s what we need, what makes us feel at home and welcomes all we have become.  For some, it’s a childhood neighborhood where a familiar tire swing still hangs over a brook.  For another, it’s the majesty of the ocean and memories of carefree summer days.  For me, it’s the mountains, with their gentle breezes and peaceful vistas that whisper and soothe.

But I’m also finding it’s something else…something along the lines of “can’t be defined.” As I age, it’s a tug-of-war with being okay with how things are, versus wanting so much to keep learning, exploring and achieving.  To not worry about how many years are ahead but instead consider each step and where I am taking myself right now.

Some days that’s as far as the couch.

Other days, it’s a revved up energy to do as much in one day, week, or month as I possibly can.

Because I’m just not ready to give up what brings me joy.  Maybe I can’t hike as far as I used to, but I can still get out there and be awed by a glorious trail.  Maybe I let a little more dust settle on some things than I once did because I’d rather use my energy for reading a book or walking my dog.

And for sure, I have to be watchful that I don’t let that lazy part of my mind start to convince me that something is only for younger people.

As my mother used to say, bushwa.

Hiraeth has a sadness to it, but it also hints of a joy that can’t ever be taken away. It’s your joy.  Your spirit.  Your life.  Don’t let anyone else’s idea of what that should be get in your way.

If you’re feeling restless, a yearning, or something else strong, listen to it.  You might need to go “home.”

You might already be there.

Or you might have yet to discover where it is.

“Your true home  is in the here and now.”

       Thich Nhat Hanh

Getting older or better?

Are you scared of turning 60?  Or 70?  Or whatever age you’re about to be?

We get a number in our heads and we start worrying…what will life be like, what will I look like, and how much longer do I have…and most of the time, these fears are based on advertising, old movies, or mean old people we knew when we were children.

That crabby lady down the street who never handed out Halloween candy.  The old man who seemed to get so old so fast.  Our third-grade math teacher who never smiled.  When we were about 10 years old, they seemed to be 100.  But of course, they weren’t.

They were just older.  And since it was probably 50+ years ago when we knew them, they were older in a different time.  A time when there weren’t yoga classes for people over 70. Or strength training opportunities for anyone past 80.  Or well-designed communities for people over 55 with everything from an indoor pool to a pub to a non-stop calendar of events.

So, whether it’s true or not, it seems like people “back then” aged faster. They certainly didn’t have all the health and nutrition advantages we do now.  Many of them probably did physical labor for so many years it took its toll. Health conditions that are quite treatable today weren’t then.  People sat outside and worshipped the sun without realizing the dangers, so there a whole lot more wrinkles to rock.

Today, some say 50 is the new 40, 60 is the new 50, and so on. Maybe just say 60 is the new 60!  Maybe don’t worry about the number; but do have a good understanding of the physical changes that occur as we age and how we can enjoy life more than ever.

There are some physical changes to be aware of as we get older…startsat60.com lists a few:

  • Our taste buds are not quite as sharp.
  • Body odor changes.
  • Always loved sweets? You might find yourself with stronger cravings for salty, or vice versa.
  • Feeling stiff and sore in the morning is common as we age.
  • Wonder why you always seem to have a bruise? Your skin is thinner so a slight bump can leave a mark.
  • Feel achy? If you’ve had bad posture or have been inactive for years, it’s going to show.
  • Dry skin. Drink more water and use lotions.
  • Bladder problems can occur.
  • You might forget things more often.

Is it all bad news?  NO!  While it’s a good idea to understand that these changes are normal, it’s even more important to know you can do quite a lot to level the playing field.

Here’s some thoughts from Mayo Clinic about healthy aging:

  • Every day, do something physical. Walk, swim, do chair aerobics…it will help you maintain a healthy weight, lower blood pressure and feel better in general.
  • Don’t smoke. Eat a healthy diet.  And get enough sleep.
  • Bones weaken as we age. So, get enough calcium, vitamin D and watch your alcohol intake. And join a gym for some strength training—you are never too old to build muscle.
  • Stay social. Find reasons to get out and meet people, stay in touch with friends, have the family over.  Social interaction wards off depression  and stress, which can contribute to memory loss.
  • Exercise your mind by always learning something new…a foreign language, a new way to drive to the store, or a complex puzzle to solve.

The GREAT news about turning older.

Remember when you were 39 and you thought 40 meant it was all over?

Or turning 50 and thinking everything was going to stop?

Well chances are it didn’t….you look back now and laugh, thinking how young you were then, and if “I’d only known” then I wouldn’t have worried.  It’s the same now.  Find someone 10 years older and they will urge you to get up, get active and enjoy life with all the gusto you can.

Because being afraid of what might come isn’t going to help.

Being proactive in making “now” better just might.

  • You can sit in front of the TV all day. Or you can go to the park and walk by a lake.
  • You can never learn another thing. Or you can take an adult education class and learn all about something you never even considered, make new friends, and expand your world.
  • You can eat the same food every day. Or you can go online and find new recipes and try them out on your friends.
  • You can look at old photos and cry. Or you can become a docent at a local history museum and interact with interested people all day.
  • You can decide no one cares anymore. Or you can connect with a volunteer agency in your town and start helping the truly needy and forgotten.

Life really is what you make it.  And you have the wisdom, experience and talent to make it spectacular.  Or at least, more interesting than you thought possible.

It’s your time.  And it’s your choice.

Sit and stew…or rock that wrinkle?

None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.

        Henry David Thoreau

How will today change you?

Life is busy.  Life is difficult (as Scott Peck reminded us.)

Life is unpredictable. Life is filled with too many lists.

Too many emails.

Too many distractions.

Too many thefts of our time, our minds, our need to actually live the moment. Weeks fly by and we can’t remember what we did. Yesterday goes by in a flash and we aren’t even sure what we had for lunch.mac-glasses

Yet I’m sure in every 24-hour period, there are countless opportunities when we can think of another person. Be kind to a stranger. Refrain from scowling at a bad driver. Actually notice how the sun is reflecting off a flower petal.

Remember that we are alive, we are fragile, and we want every second to count. Especially as we grow older…we boomers and beyond understand how rich life can be if we are present.

Quaker poet Jeanne Lohmann invites us to pause and just be alive in her wonderful poem, “Questions Before Dark”:

 

“Questions Before Dark”

“Day ends, and before sleep
when the sky dies down,

consider your altered state: 

has this day changed you?  

Are the corners sharper or rounded off? 

 Did you live with death?  

Make decisions that quieted?  

Find one clear word that fit? 

 At the sun’s midpoint did you notice a pitch of absence,
bewilderment that invites the possible? 

 What did you learn from things you dropped

 and picked up and dropped again? 

Did you set a straw parallel to the river, 

let the flow carry you downstream?”

Jeanne Lohmann

So many good things here. We do, especially as boomers and beyond, live with death. Our friends, our families, our own mortality. But I don’t see this as a depressing thing; more as a call to life.

photo - Version 2Especially when she quickly brings up the idea of “bewilderment”.

To me, that’s a wonderful way to describe the natural world around us. So many miracles. Yet unless we make a conscious effort to see them, we walk right past them.

I love the idea of contemplating how each day changes us. As Buddha said, we never enter the same river twice. And there’s a lot to be said for occasionally noting where we are on our journey.

 

“Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.”

            Parker Palmer

Older and better.

IMG_4797Have you  heard the term “conscious eldering”? It’s all about the choices we make as we grow older…will we stay engaged, curious, and positive about life, or will we become hard, withdrawn, and resentful over our disappointments?

I’m sure you’ve known people who fall into both categories. Over the years I’ve interviewed hundreds of people over 50, some close to 100, and it truly seems it’s a matter of making up your mind to be one or the other. Barring extreme physical limitations, many people I’ve known who are on the negative side have simply decided it’s easier to be angry.

The relationship that didn’t work out.

The boss that never saw our brilliance.

The ungrateful child who grew up uninterested in being around us.

The fact that we were supposed to end up one way, and we didn’t.

Then there are the people I’ve talked to who bubble over with joy and vitality. They laugh easily and accept what life has thrown at them. And it’s not always been an easy road…some have lost a spouse, child, way of life, and even their health. They’ve had to move and give up prized possessions. Yet through it all, their attitude is one of acceptance and peace.

Maybe it’s a matter of being “conscious” about what we do when we come to those crossroads…is this tragedy going to break us, or bring us closer to our spiritual core? Will it humble us, or infuriate us?

I think having a spiritual foundation in whatever form you choose is a huge help. I also think that truly learning to let go, to be willing to heal old wounds and forget long-held grudges, goes a long way for easing our hearts and our minds. Just think how much energy we wasted being miffed about the past.

Life’s a zigzag, not a straight line. At least it is for me. Being over 50 makes a lot of things clearer, yet it’s still a mixed bag sometimes. But I do look around at other boomers and those in their 70s, 80s, and up and it seems that it’s never too late to change your attitude.

It may not be easy, but it’s not too late.

A doorMaybe you were a bit of a miser years ago, yet now you realize how hard the waitress is working and you open up your wallet a bit more with a better tip.

Maybe showing affection has always been a little hard for you because your parents never did it well, but now that you have grandchildren or great-grandchildren, you want to hug and hold hands and let them know how much you care.

And maybe all the things that always vexed you…waiting in line, bad drivers, people who are always late…now simply can be better tolerated by taking a breath, letting it go and realizing it’s not a personal conspiracy against you.

I don’t know about you, but I want to age with curiosity. Joy. Creativity. I want to feed my intellect and my spirit as much as I can, and not get my blood pressure up by rehashing old wounds or wondering why things aren’t like they used to be.

I genuinely believe this can be the absolute best time of our lives. Because even when the seemingly overwhelming challenges come at us, we’re more prepared than ever to use our strengths, ask for help, and turn it over to a higher power.

So why not now…it’s been a long hot summer. What better time to take a new path? Dance a new step? Rock a new wrinkle!!

 “A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.”

            John Barrymore

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