Rock The Wrinkle

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Embracing our limitations.

03/23/2015 /

It’s a paradox.

We’re told we can accomplish anything if we try hard enough. Yet most of us run into obstacles in life that keep us from getting to that “finish line”…like losing a job or having a spouse leave us or investments drying up into nothing.

What happened to that mystical power in the universe that was supposed to open all the right doors?

ADA0J1dicQ76uxpzK5PR5_PR_4040_retinand what about our limitations? We can’t all be CEOs, star quarterbacks or prima ballerinas. Some people write bestsellers, some toil away for years without success. Some marriages are affirming, others are filled with disappointment.

Wait…isn’t the teacher supposed to appear when the student is ready?

I know I have had many times when I just knew if I waited long enough or prayed hard enough, the answer to my questions would come. I’d get a sign that this was the right job. Or a feeling that now was the time to make the move. Surely the universe would not let me once again make a bad choice in romance.

After all, that’s what happens in the movies…people go for a long walk by a river or through a bustling city (with appropriate music playing in the background) and it all just becomes clear.

I’m still waiting for that.

Writer, teacher and activist Parker Palmer has some great thoughts on this in his book, “Let Your Life Speak.” I go back to it regularly to remind myself I’m not alone in my confusion about all of this. He talks about potential, and limitations—that while “openings” may reveal our potentials, “closings” can reveal our limits. And both are equally important.

Parker Palmer writes, “As often happens in the spiritual journey, we have arrived at the heart of a paradox: each time a door closes, the rest of the world opens up. All we need to do is stop pounding on the door that just closed, turn around—which puts the door behind us—and welcome the largeness of life that now lies open to our souls. The door that closed kept us from entering a room, but what now lies before us is the rest of reality.”

Don’t you love that?

The whole visual of a door closed behind us, and all that now is before us…a universe of potential! So it seems as though our limitations actually are what can propel us forward, even more than our potential. Something every baby boomer and beyond can relate to.

I know there have been times when the universe gave me a “push”…forcing me to take a step into the unknown which later turned out to be a wonderful opportunity. And a step I probably wouldn’t have ever taken had things stayed as they were. At the time I didn’t like it.

It hurt, or made me angry. It most likely scared me. But clearly a greater power than me knew it was time.

Along the way, I’ve also made friends with my limitations

While I realize sometimes I don’t challenge myself as much as I could, I also am okay with stepping aside from certain races. I’m not climbing up a corporate ladder, or competing with someone else for attention from a boss. I’m fine being one of the flock and not the leader. I’m good at some things and average at others.

A doorThat’s all okay. Because it’s who I am. And I can’t fool the universe by trying to be someone else.

More sage words from Parker Palmer: “If we are to live our lives fully and well, we must embrace our opposites, to live in a creative tension between our limits and our potentials. We must honor our limitations in ways that do not distort our nature, and we must trust and use our gifts in ways that fulfill the potentials that God gave us. We must take the no of the way that closes and find the guidance that it has to offer—and take the yes of the way that opens and respond with the yes of our lives.”

Respond with the yes of our lives. That sounds like a precious jewel hidden in a treasure chest that can only be opened by someone with a lot of years to his or her credit. Someone who understands that the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, and the joy and the disappointments are all part of being a whole person.

Not to mention a few well-earned and proudly worn wrinkles.

What do you think?  Has a closed door changed your life?

 “Never underestimate the power of dreams.”

        Wilma Rudolph

 

 

 

 

 

Who ya’ rootin’ for?

03/19/2015 /

I absolutely love college basketball.

I love going to games when I can, love watching them on television, and really love love the whole March Madness insanity.

What I love most is when an underdog….or more correctly, a team that hasn’t received the recognition it should…wins over the favorite. I love to see young athletes have their day in the sun and confound the so-called experts.

I know better than to tell you which teams I root for.

file0001742706768But there’s nothing better than going to your alma mater’s game…clapping during the fight song as you’ve done a million times…yelling when the lights go out and they introduce your guys…and cheering every time a basket is made. Hearing the bad play with such heart (love the drum section). Trying to catch the t-shirts from the cannon. Eating junk food and loving it.

And yes, I also love watching women’s basketball. Talk about heart. And skill. And pure ability. They often have to endure tiny crowds and no publicity.

But they work as hard or harder than the men, and they are very, very good.

This year, I’ll be yelling as always, watching games and pulling my hair. Unfortunately, my number one team did not make it this time. But I always find a group of kids I think deserve it. To me, that means being a true team, helping each other, and not giving up.

If you have never been a fan of college sports, you might check it out sometime. You won’t find this kind of spirit, courage, and tears in the pros. This is about fighting until your last breath. Believing that for one moment, you really can change your life forever.

I’m not trying to glorify athletes. No one was more uncoordinated than me in school…I was not fan of the “jocks”. But camaraderie…common goals…helping each other…that’s something I can support.

The International Mental Game Coaching Association (IMGCA) says we follow sports because they teach us about loyalty, perseverance, and honor. It helps us bond. We live vicariously through the athletes we watch. We can safely experience drama, suspension and resolution, without ever being in any danger.

And interestingly, IMGCA also says sports can trigger our reptilian brain…tribal instincts and the whole fight or flight thing.

I know my poor pets have run and hid more than once when I yelled at the television over a bad call.

If you are a boomer or beyond, you probably have some great memories about some of the all-time heroes of college ball. Like Oscar Robertson. Michael Jordan. Larry Byrd. Or Chamique Holdsclaw. Val Whiting, or Seimone Augustus.

It’s a time of year when the whole concept that “anything is possible” really holds water. Just ask anyone who watched North Carolina State beat Houston in the NCAA finals in 1983.

I also love football. Watching the Indy circuit. Baseball. Tennis. Soccer. Track and field.

Sometimes, David really does get the edge on Goliath. And it just feels good to watch.

What are your favorite sports memories?

 

 

“Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.”

       Michael Jordan

Saying no and yes.

03/16/2015 /

How do we guard our time?

When it seems we have so little of it to ourselves, how do we smartly and politely stand our ground when asked to take on extra tasks or chores that eat into our private moments?

As people over 50, we most likely have served on countless committees and cleanup crews, manned registration tables and put up signs, taken down displays and more…many times on a Saturday, or an evening, holiday, or other time period when we’d rather be elsewhere.

file641274354480I don’t consider this the same as true volunteering or philanthropic efforts that truly benefit those in need. If I have a warm place to sleep and food in my refrigerator, you bet I can get up early or stay late and help someone less fortunate. Volunteering is not only the right thing to do, it’s energizing and uplifting.

I’m talking more about those requests that are far less dire…events or things that have nothing to do with survival or quality of life. Times when it feels that the person asking has not prepared adequately and now needs you to fill in. Or when someone won’t call upon those who said they were on board, but aren’t showing up, and didn’t inform anyone.

That bothers me. Maybe it’s a major character flaw, but so be it. It just feels like the same people get asked time after time to save a situation, while the masses happily skip off to whatever it is they suddenly need to do.

Do you ever feel like you’re the dependable one, so you’re always at the top of the list? And if so, why is it you feel guilty when you actually occasionally (but I’m guessing rarely) say no to one of these requests?

Helping out and pitching in is great.

Being taken advantage of is not.

Asking someone to help you out of a jam is fine.

Asking the same person constantly because you either think he or she has nothing better to do, or because you’re not willing to ask someone who threatens you, is unfair.

In fact, I think it’s terrible.

Maybe we all need life-sized cardboard cutouts we can carry around with us, and when we spot a “user” approaching us, we can hold up our cutout and block their path.

KC_IMG_5388There’s nothing wrong with saying no. Giving yourself a pass on something that doesn’t feel right. Choosing to spend your free time as you choose, even if that means you’re not “doing” a lot. You don’t have to be married or a parent or grandparent to have a busy life. If there’s anything getting older teaches us, it’s how precious our time is.

We’re supposed to help each other. But we’re also supposed to take care of ourselves. It’s a fine line.

Here’s some words to consider by poet Naomi Shihab Nye:

The Art of Disappearing

When they say Don’t I know you?

say no.

 When they invite you to the party

remember what parties are like

before answering:

Someone telling you in a loud voice

they once wrote a poem.

Greasy sausage balls on a paper plate.

Then reply.

If they say We should get together

say Why?

It’s not that you don’t love them anymore.

You’re trying to remember something

too important to forget.

Trees. The monastery bell at twilight.

Tell them you have a new project.

It will never be finished.

When someone recognizes you in a grocery store

nod briefly and become a cabbage.

When someone you haven’t seen in ten years

appears at the door,

don’t start singing him all your new songs.

You will never catch up.

Walk around feeling like a leaf.

Know you could tumble any second.

Then decide what to do with your time.

 

 

 “Do not follow where the path may lead.  Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail.”

                    Ralph Waldo Emerson

Is fear stopping you?

03/12/2015 /

In the movie “Defending Your Life,” Albert Brooks has to face the facts: during his life, he has let fears of rejection and failure get in his way of realizing some very precious dreams. Who couldn’t relate to moments like that…in the cafeteria in junior high, at the front door saying goodnight to a date, waiting for a job interview, etc., etc.

Fear’s a weird thing. In some ways, it’s good because it keeps us alive. It can be a great alarm when we are considering doing something stupid or reckless. It can let us know when things don’t quite feel right. It can warn us that a stranger is best kept at a distance.

OTRAS (3)

But it also can ruin everything.

You want to try the zip line, but you’re scared.

 He wants to call her, but he fears she’ll laugh and hang up.

 She wants to ask her for a raise, but she’s scared her boss will find a reason to let her go instead.

And maybe the biggest one of all: we fear we will die before we realize our dreams.

It’s amazing how competent we can feel in several areas, yet occasionally, our fears reduce us to quaking masses of jelly. Scientists say it’s when our brain detects the potential for pain. Or when we confront something we never expected. Our bodies get ready to flee. Our heart can race, we feel nauseous, we can’t breathe. In extreme cases, fear can invoke a panic attack or even worse.

Everyone has his or her own way of dealing with fear. Controlling your breathing. Being self-aware and talking yourself down. Getting control of your mind.

Easier said than done sometimes. But what about the nagging, slow simmering kind of fear? The one that sets up camp in your brain and whispers how you are too old to change careers. Too gray-haired to learn kayaking. Too mature to get out on the dance floor.

I think those fears are more insidious, and ultimately, more damaging than anything. They nibble away at our spirit like starving field mice. They’re the “what if” fears….what if I look stupid? What if they all laugh? What if I write a novel and nobody reads it?  What if I fail?

What if I really can’t do it after all?

Fair enough…but what if you can?

I’ve had occasions in my life where I’ve feared that I would never achieve something that mattered to me…and then suddenly been overcome with fear that I actually would reach my goal. Talk about feeling nuts.

I think as I get older, I’m fairly well acquainted with what I fear…and what will trigger it. That gives me a slight edge as I can try and prepare my mind before I tackle the challenge. But even better, I think aging itself takes away some of our fears…because we simply don’t care that much about things that truly can’t hurt us.

So what if one person laughs when you get out there and boogie…they don’t know how much fun you’re having.

pad-black-and-whiteSo what if you write your life story and it doesn’t sell…you wrote it for yourself anyway.

So what if none of the young executives think you really understand the latest technology….you have the edge in experience, wisdom, and tried-and-true business strategy.

I confess to having some irrational fears (heights and spiders). I confess that I’m not crazy about speaking in public. And I do listen to my inner protector if I’m somewhere unfamiliar and a warning bell goes off.

But I’m trying my best to take the air out of the fears that I think have no business stopping me from enjoying life. I’m not afraid of the white hairs that are showing up. Or the fact that I can’t stay up as late as I used to.

And I’m definitely not afraid of my wrinkles!

Go see “The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”…lots of nice wisdom about overcoming fears and embracing who we boomers and beyond really are:

Fearless!

 

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”

       Joseph Campbell

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