This morning I made a major change in my work life, I let go of a situation that has become too negative and stressful over the past few years. It’s a situation I’ve been involved in for over 20 years, but the players have changed a great deal and the demands have grown and my heartfelt zeal has long since disappeared.

Yet I am somewhat mystified and almost ashamed to say that even at my 60++ age, after all these years, I still feel compelled to explain why I’m ending something.

Normal, healthy people must be able to just resign or walk away from something in a few words, get their hat and keys, and leave. (The whole Jerry Lewis thing where he used to stand up, put the file folder under his arm, and start to walk away.) Not me. I always feel compelled to spell out and quantify why I’m taking the action. I feel guilty for taking care of myself, for putting myself first.

That’s just not right.

I know that, and even though this time I held to my convictions and decided to put myself first, for once, it still felt strange and as though I’ve done something wrong. Wow.

How many times in our lives have we made room for others, in our hearts and minds? How many times have we forgiven the painful words or looked the other way when a colleague took credit for what we’ve done? Ever gritted your teeth during a meeting? Wanted to open a window and run as fast as you could away from it all?

Truly wondered why you are still in a situation, any kind of situation, that has been not positive for a very long time—and you don’t have to stay in it?

I recently made a commitment to myself:  to live as long and healthy a life as I possibly can. Sounds pretty simple, right? Well for me, it’s involved making some real changes. What I eat, how much I move, what I do with my stress, how I connect with my higher power. And taking this most recent action—removing the elephant’s foot from my chest—is part of that. 

Sometimes, you get to the place where you realize that it really is up to you…the calvary aren’t coming. The unfair client or manager isn’t going to throw their arms around you. Your relative who is always hateful isn’t going to have a revelation that changes how they interact with you.

YOU are the one who has to change the reality—which often means just removing yourself from the situation. And YOU are the one with the years of wisdom, life experience, and wrinkles to do it NOW.

A book I read once told this story:  a woman is standing outside on a sidewalk. Suddenly, a bucket of water rains down on her from an apartment window above. Then before she can move, another bucket of water is poured on her. She looks up, furious, and demands the person stop doing it. A man walks up and says, “why don’t you just move out of the way?”

Yes, why?

Actress Ellen Burstyn said, “Courage is the reward you get after you do something you are afraid to do.”  Isn’t that spectacular? And why are we so afraid anyway to show up for ourselves?  We’ll drive in rush hour traffic, fight a grizzly bear for our children and loved ones, and take a bite of something we know we aren’t going to like, but we won’t take our own hand and walk to the front?  Crazy.

If we don’t treat ourselves fairly, who will?

I am a huge fan of the late John O’Donohue.  In this wonderful book, To Bless The Space Between Us, he says many things that are worth pondering.  Here’s just a sample:

“Behind each face there is a unique world that no one else can see.  This is the mystery of individuality.  The shape of each soul is different.  No one else feels your life the way you do….The great law of life is:  Be yourself. Though this axiom sounds simple, it is often a difficult task. To be yourself, you have to learn how to become who you were dreamed to be. Each person has unique destiny. To be born is to be chosen.  There is something special that each of us has to do in the world….”

You ARE important. You do have a path. If you’re feeling weighed down by people, things, or places that are wrong for you, break away. No, it’s not easy. But it’s so worth it. To breathe more deeply than you ever have. To really celebrate all you are, and all you still will be.  

Like they say, “it ain’t over ‘til it’s over.”  And it AIN’T over!  Get out there and rock it NOW!

“May you recognize in your life the presence, power, and light of your soul.”

            John O’Donohue

It’s just been too strange.

A year passes, and you feel like you’ve been sitting in one spot the whole time.

You haven’t seen friends hardly at all. You haven’t decided on a last minute spark to try out that new restaurant you’ve heard about. You didn’t start the new year by gathering information on the places you’d like to see this year.

Lots of time to think, which can be good or bad. On the one hand, you don’t want to waste any more time. When this is all over, you tell yourself, you’re going to take that class. Travel to that destination. Tell that person you love them. Or even scarier, clean out the attic.

On the other hand, it’s like an oozing blob of sludge that slowly comes towards you and before you know it, has made contact with you. Now you can’t really feel your body. Sitting on the couch starts to feel right. Not making plans or calling anyone feels safer. Time is flying by and really it’s too late anyway, right?

Why bother to dream if nothing will ever be the same.

It can feel especially daunting for us boomers and beyond. We need to keep learning, moving, dreaming and doing or gravity will get us. It’s just too easy to give over to the slumber of aging. We’ll just be grateful for what we’ve done, and sit here quietly while things get darker around us.

No! No, no, no!

No germ is going to keep me from getting everything I can out of my life! Maybe my dreams have been delayed, maybe this whole thing is frustrating me at the moment and maybe things will take a turn I did not expect. But I refuse to be pulled under a blob of fear and apathy.

A while back on a trip (I actually miss airports), I bought a small book….one of those tiny “gift” books meant to go to someone graduating or starting a new job. It contains quotes from wise people. Often, I don’t give these books much of a glance. But this one…well, it resonated. Because I’m not only frustrated with sitting still, I’m frustrated with where I’m sitting in life.

I want to change it.

I’m already older than many people who do this, and now I’ll have to add on a few more years before I can really take action.

But by damn, I’m going to do it.

I share some of the thoughts in this book with everyone who feels like the four walls they are looking at right now are the only four walls they’ll ever see. Not necessarily. And the crowd of people around you are the only ones you’ll ever have to talk to. Maybe not. And those dreams you have always thought you’d have time for, but lately you’ve wondered….maybe SO.

“The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are.” C.S. Lewis

Maybe this whole pandemic has changed how we see “wisdom.” instead of knowing what’s in the textbook, it’s really knowing what it means to be alive…to care about what is happening around us. To really care about what is happening to someone else—especially those who don’t look like us or have as much as we do.

“Your life is always under construction. It is your job to learn how to untangle the threads and weave a tapestry that matches your desires.” Danny Williamsen

We don’t have to settle for what we’ve grown accustomed to. So much time spent getting ahead, mowing the lawn, behaving as expected. We don’t get extra points for “winning” the game. Maybe we’d rather take our chances and turn things upside down a little.

“If you don’t feel it, flee from it. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” Paul F. Davis

This is your life. Your happiness. Your mental health. I believe the universe wants each of us to be as happy as we can be, which might mean starting over a few times. Scary? Yep. Worth it? You bet.

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.” Eleanor Roosevelt

It ain’t over ’til it’s over.

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dare to dream it. Then put it out there. And let the energy propel you forward. Yes, you’re older, and the joints creak a bit and memory is a sometimes thing and staying up late isn’t that exciting anymore. But. You’re also wiser. Stronger. More capable than ever.

So by all means, put on the mask and get your vaccinations….then get back to life…to your dreams…to what is stirring inside you. Rock the wrinkle!

Everyone else is more organized. More successful. Better looking. Happier.

That guy knows how to make small talk in a meeting. She knows how to enter a party alone and fit right in. That couple has learned how to disagree without wanting to pour a bucket of water on each other.

But me? I must have missed that day, because I don’t seem to have those skills.

It’s amazing how even as we age, we can be taken right back to our most vulnerable feelings at the drop of a hat. If you grew up chubby, you think the saleswoman is laughing at you for even thinking of trying a certain style. If you weren’t the most handsome boy in school, then you just know you will never find another mate.

Hang on a second.

What about all that you have become, now that you are older?

You’re smarter.

You’re more patient (well most of the time).

You’re more accepting of flaws in others.

You are more worldly, even if you have never left your house.

I know I can go for weeks and feel competent enough, and then one stupid incident makes me feel like sitting in the dark with a large dessert. Just remembering that it may very well not be about me…maybe that person is having a bad day, maybe he or she really hasn’t learned not to discount the people around them, maybe it’s one of those annoying life lessons I need to see just how far I’ve evolved in believing in myself.

All very touchy feely I know. And yet, I think it’s so important to celebrate who we are, especially now that we are older.

Because it’s also very easy to decide that it’s too late to change, or to take risk someone actually seeing who I really am…so I might as well stay under the covers and not even bother to show up at all—especially if it’s going to hurt.

Richard Rohr, one my favorite people in the world, explores this in Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life. I love what he says. Here are a few of his thoughts jumbled together:

“In my opinion, this first-half-of-life task is no more than finding the starting gate. It is merely the warmup act, not the full journey….we are the clumsy stewards of our souls. All we can give back and all God wants from any of us is to humbly and proudly return the product that we have been given—which is ourselves!… We grow spiritually much more by doing it wrong than by doing it right….”

Rohr discusses how he feels life is lived in two stages, and in the first, we are forming who we are and meeting out basic needs—but we are also preparing ourselves for the joys and the sufferings of the second phase of life. We have to go through the bad times so we can learn later how to survive and fully become who we are meant to be. He writes:

“Just remember this: no one can keep you from the second half of your own life except yourself. Nothing can inhibit your second journey except your own lack of courage, patience, and imagination. Your second journey is all yours to walk or to avoid. My conviction is that some falling part of the first journey is necessary for this to happen, so do not waste a moment of time lamenting poor parenting, lost job, failed relationship, physical handicap, gender identity, economic poverty, or even the tragedy of any kind of abuse. Pain is part of the deal. If you do not walk into the second half of your own life, it is you who do not want it. God will always give you exactly what you truly want and desire. So make sure you desire, desire deeply, desire yourself, desire God, desire everything good, true and beautiful.”

We are enough. Grace is ours. We are where we need to be on the road, and if not, we can get there.

It’s one reason I’m okay with my wrinkles. I see them as a kind of map, not only of where I’ve been, but where I’m going.

Why let all that first-half pain go to waste? I felt it, I survived it, I plan to put it to good use—helping me get farther down the road. And the beginning of a new year is the perfect time. What about you?

“Every moment and every event of every man’s life on earth plants something in his soul.”

                                                Thomas Merton

Peace.

In the midst of chaos.

Peace.

In the midst of stress.

Peace.

In the midst of a disease that has killed millions and is not slowing down.

Peace.

In the midst of arguing, tweeting, insulting and fighting.

Peace.

In the midst of lost jobs, no hospital beds, no food on the table, no presents under the tree.

Peace.

In the midst of boredom, impatience, frustration, and fatigue.

Peace. Just simple peace.

The peace of a winter’s night. A familiar holiday song. An excited child. A bittersweet memory from years ago. The promise of the manger.

Peace is a gift we can give ourselves, and this year, we mustn’t forget. We need it too badly. If even only for a few brief moments, we can go inside our hearts. Slow our breathing. Let thoughts drift away. Just be. Just breathe.

There are so many who will not be so fortunate. They’re exhausted. They’re mourning. They’re worrying and waiting.

So maybe, for them, we can be a presence of peace. We can put down the signs, the flags, the hats and the ignorance. We can remember we are all just dust. We can see the spirit in each other. And we can choose peace.

Things change so quickly. One Christmas, we’re worrying about what to get a grandson. How to put together a bicycle. Where Aunt Martha will sit at the holiday meal. How late does Walgreens stay open because we’re gonna need a new bottle of Gorilla glue (and possibly a lot more wine).

This year, things are a whole lot simpler. Life is a lot more fragile. And peace feels like a faraway thing.

Unless we insist on giving it ourselves.

Then maybe, we can give it to others as well. Merry Christmas!

And may Peace Be With You.