Category: Uncategorized (Page 19 of 40)

Doer or waiter?

05/07/2018 / Laura

Which are you? A doer or a waiter?

A doer takes action. Decides what needs to be done and starts doing it, or gets out the phone book (gasp) and finds a person who can do it, or goes online and searches for the nearest location, or texts a friend and invites them to lunch and gives them a place and time, or decides the windows are dirty and picks up a rag and cleans them, or realizes he/she doesn’t know how to get to a certain place so he/she goes on Google maps and prints out the directions, or reads the instruction manual/directions/attends the class to learn how something works and how to maintain it, or cures loneliness by initiating get-togethers or just plain understands that happiness is an inside job.

A waiter waits for someone else to make the plans, to call the restaurant, to pick them up, to stand in line, to choose the movie, to go online and find concert tickets, to fix the disposal, to give them information about a subject so they don’t have to do the research, to supply directions to any new destination, to schedule the vacation, etc, etc, etc and feels life should come to them, because after all, they’ve “earned it” or they are too “old” to learn something new.

One is a pleasure to be around. One isn’t.

I”m not sure where the idea came from that at a certain age, things are just supposed to come to you. All I can say, is good luck with that. I’ve not found that to be true. If you don’t like your job, quit or change your attitude. If you hate your house, modify it or move. If you want to be up-to-date on all the latest computer software or surround sound systems with blu-ray, research it online, pick up some electronics magazines or go to a retailer and ask questions.

Older people can still learn. We aren’t idiots. And when we shrug our shoulders and say how all this gosh darn newfangled stuff is above us, we are bringing ourselves and everyone else over 50 down to a false low level.

Now if you choose not to learn, that’s your decision. But imagine when you were in third grade and your teacher gave you an assignment to go to the library and read about George Washington…and you told her “Gee, there were so many books, it just made me tired. So I just decided I couldn’t pick one. Instead, I figured you would read me one. Okay teacher?”

What do you think she would have said to you?

Learning new things is hard. Taking the initiative takes energy. But that’s what separates us from amoeba. And it’s hard enough to get the younger set to see us as equals many times, much less as wise sources of guidance and wisdom, without us throwing in the towel before we’ve even tried.

We are still in the game. We have the freedom and the ability to create an interesting and rewarding life around us.

So why wouldn’t we??

“Nothing will work unless you do.”

Maya Angelou

Walking each other home.

04/30/2018 / Laura

Life is so fragile. Every moment is precious. All around, there are people whose life has frozen in time…bad news about a loved one. Eviction. Divorce. A frightening diagnosis. Loss of a child. Maybe a business failure or money crisis that feels like there is no way out.

As baby boomers and beyond, we’ve had our share. And while it would be nice to think now we get to enjoy life, the joke is somewhat on us, or so I’ve found. Life does not easier. In fact, with the challenges of aging, it might get a lot harder. And more painful. So where’s the hope?

I think it’s in the fact that we are wiser, we are survivors, and we understand what is important, and what is not.

And I would hope, we cherish what—and who—is most important to us. Because as someone very wise said, “We’re all just walking each other home.”

I like that. I like the idea that when we’re at our most desperate, spirits appear around us who can lead us forward. Maybe we can see them—a dear friend, a spouse, even a beloved pet. And maybe they are invisible…but I believe they are just as real as ever. They’ve loved us, and they’re still with us.

It’s so hard to get frightening news. And it’s also so hard to know someone you love just got that news. But now’s when you channel your fear into something helpful. Like listening, really listening when they need it most. Giving them the opportunity to be sad, be angry, be profane or anything else they choose.

A friend who was over 80 died a few weeks ago. She was truly an amazing person her whole life, overcoming the suicide of a brother and a daughter. She was intelligent and talented. A published author and accomplished musician. She embraced the challenges of learning technology that was barely a dream when she was born. She never stopped growing. And she didn’t let her pain stop her.

What I liked most about her was she was fully human. I think we forget how to do that sometimes…to just be. To know that who we are is enough. We can learn and refine and strengthen and enhance, but in the end, who we are is who we are. And it wasn’t a mistake (unless we use our skills to hurt others).

And maybe most importantly, we can use our humanity to be there for someone else in crisis…someone who shouldn’t have to be any braver, any calmer, or any nicer than they feel. Because we love them. And because they are us. And because they might be needing us to let things get messy. Listen to Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers):

“Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness…. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.”

We’re all aging. We’re all going to die (it always amazes me how many people really think they won’t.) We all have limited time. So maybe now’s the time to turn back to the basics…the skills you first learned.

Hold hands when you cross the street.

Be nice to your neighbor.

Brush your teeth.

Take naps.

Be kind to animals.

Love from the heart. We’re all on a journey…a journey that I believe leads somewhere glorious…and it’s good to remember that how we help one another along the way really does matter.

“It always helps to have people we love beside us when we have to do difficult things in life.”

Mr. Rogers

Sleepy?

04/23/2018 / Laura

Are you tired?

When was the last time you really slept…like an uninterrupted 8 hours? Or took an actual afternoon nap without the cell phone interrupting your peace?

Why is it we can’t sleep? And why do we think we’re not supposed to?

Especially for us baby boomers and beyond…sleep is precious. Agingcare.com says:

Sleep needs change naturally throughout a person’s lifetime. For example, it is common knowledge that children and adolescents need more sleep than adults. Interestingly, though, older adults need about the same amount of sleep as their younger counterparts—seven to nine hours each night.

Unfortunately, many older adults get less sleep than they need. One reason is that they often have a difficult time falling asleep. A study of adults over 65 found that 13 percent of men and 36 percent of women take more than 30 minutes to fall asleep each night.

And while it’s often said that sleep problems are a normal part of aging, that’s actually not the case. If you’re really have problems sleeping, you might want to see your physician. But if it’s an occasional thing, here are a few suggestions from agingcare.com:

Follow a regular schedule. Go to sleep and wake up at the same time, even on weekends.
Minimize naps. Try to nap only when you must. Excessive sleep during the day can keep you from falling and staying asleep.
Exercise. Regular physical activity has been shown to improve sleep quality. For best results, finish working out at least three hours before bedtime.
Get some sun. Go outside for at least 15 minutes a day and soak up some natural light.
Avoid caffeine. At least reduce it late in the day.
Develop a bedtime routine. Do the same things each night to tell your body that it’s time to wind down.
Use your bedroom only for sleeping. After turning off the light, give yourself about 15 minutes to fall asleep. If you are still awake and not feeling drowsy, get out of bed and do something low key, like reading.

But maybe falling asleep isn’t your issue…maybe you feel that taking a nap or going to bed earlier than someone else is a bad thing…that you’re lazy, or you are “no fun”, or it’s an idea drilled into you when you were younger about the early bird getting the worm, etc.

Do you really want the worm?

Or put another way, what good does getting the worm do if you’re yawning all day?

And if you’re over 55, chances are you’ve caught enough worms. It’s okay to rest. It’s always been okay to rest, we just don’t want anyone to know we do it.

But hang on. There’s good news for all you closet nappers. According to the National Sleep Foundation, a short nap of 20-30 minutes can help to improve mood, alertness and performance. Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy, Napoleon, Albert Einstein, and Thomas Edison were known to have valued an afternoon nap.

Other research has also suggested that daytime napping can improve memory by fivefold, and that a one-hour nap is best for boosting alertness and mental performance without interfering with nighttime sleep.

So hey. Go for it. Take a break. Take a nap. Turn off your phone. And don’t chide a friend who says they need to go to bed early. Tired isn’t good for you. There’s always time for a nap.

How about now?

“Sleep is the best meditation.”

Dalai Lama

Love over hate.

04/02/2018 / Laura

Now is the season of new beginnings. New green shoots pushing up through the mud and remnants of a long winter that for some, still rages on. New hours of sunshine that add a touch of promise to each afternoon (who doesn’t hate driving home from work or anywhere in the dark at 5:30.) New clothes perhaps, with brighter colors and fun patterns.

And depending upon your spiritual beliefs, new beginnings in other ways.

A fresh start. A new day.

And how wonderful that this new beginning comes every year. It can be about so many things….maybe it’s not having that tempting late afternoon snack that’s not helping your cholesterol. Or putting in 5 extra minutes on the treadmill. Or deciding to make a real effort to keep the inside of your car clean (good luck).

In other words, we all might want to start small. Tiny strides, tiny victories that can add up.

And maybe most of all, it can be how we see the world, our neighborhood, our enemies, and ourselves.

Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest in New Mexico and founder of the Center of Action and Contemplation, has written what I think are some wonderful books worth checking out. In Immortal Diamond, he talks about seeking our true self—our soul—and letting the false self die. The false self being what we rely on in the beginning of our lives to get us through the formation of personality, career, relationships, etc…sort of like the games we have to play to get where we are. But now that we are “here”, we can fall back to what we truly are.

Our essence. Our link to the divine which has always been there.

There are many powerful passages in this book, but I especially like his advice for changing how we deal with negativism….our irritations with life. How many times I’ve been cut off in traffic and uttered language I’m not proud of, or had angry thoughts about the person next to me in the express line holding 56 items instead of 5, or any other of the countless daily situations that try my patience and usually win over my feeble attempt to be a better person. Richard Rohr has a suggestion for how to handle these moments….(from “Immortal Diamond”)….

“Next time a resentment, negativity or irritation comes into your mind…and you want to play it out or attach to it, move that thought or person literally into your heart space because such commentaries are almost entirely lodged in your head. There, surround it with silence (which is much easier to do in the heart). There, it is surrounded with blood, which will often feel warm like coals. in this place, it is almost impossible to comment, judge, create story lines, or remain antagonistic. You are in a place that does not create or feed on contraries but is the natural organ of life, embodiment, and love. Love lives and thrives in the heart space…it can make the difference between being happy and being miserable and negative.”

And who couldn’t use that? A relief valve that stops the wheel of anger right in its place, that takes the negative and wraps it in love, shuts our mouth and mind, and just sits. I sure can.

Richard Rohr calls it our “sacred heart”…where we hold things that need love and not judgment. I think the trick is to do it immediately, when the negative voice in your head starts. Turn off that valve and see the person or irritation moving to your heart.

It’s just a suggestion. But it might just be a wonderful way to mark what for many, is the season of hope…when seeds start to grow. And most happily, when those surprise crocus or tulips spring up and you don’t know how…you can’t remember planting them…but you are so glad they are there.

Maybe we can plant a few of our own right now.