Category: Uncategorized (Page 5 of 39)

I lost a good friend this week. A neighbor who was 91 and lived an amazing life. He was a kind, quiet, witty man who loved his wife (married 68 years) and his many children, grandchildren and probably great-grandchildren (I’m not sure if that’s happened yet). I miss him already.

I”d see him outside with his sweet wife, walking slowly with the aid of a walker and one of his sons, taking small, sure steps when the weather allowed. He was retired many years from a long and successful career, and from what I gathered, he mostly enjoyed time with family, whittling walking sticks, and playing music on his back porch. Just a simple, easygoing, pleasant person you enjoyed knowing.

And while part of me was sorry he chose to go so close to Christmas, knowing how hard that can be for those who remain behind, another part of me thought of what a beautiful time to go the hereafter, which I believe in. I have a feeling the angels have had to make room in their musical group for this man whose smile could brighten the gloomiest days.

How like the Christmas story this week has felt. A soul departs after almost a century of life on earth, ready for the next adventure. Another soul enters the universe and transforms it forever. One is wrinkled and a bit weary, with wisdom and patience that can only come with age. The other is new and fresh and absorbing all that comes its way.

There’s something beautiful about people who have reached this level of life. Think of what they know, and what they’ve survived. The lessons they’ve learned the hard way. The things they’ve taught others simply by being around them. And how in many cases they’ve had to accept what happens to far too many older adults: being ignored, written off, passed by without a second look.

I’ve always believed your life is missing something if you do not have at least one friend who is over 80. They are jewels who shine from within; gifts that loved to be received and valued.

There are those who say Christmas is for children. I’ve never agreed with that. Maybe these people are talking about toys and stockings and cookies. But even so, is it not the child in each of us that anticipates something wonderful on Christmas Eve? Does it matter what age you are when you stand outside at midnight under a full moon on a crisp night and look upwards?

Maybe it’s the child inside each of us that is awakened to the magic. And maybe, when we lose a treasured elder friend, it’s because the child in them was ready to run again…only this time among the clouds.

Merry Christmas, my friend. Merry Christmas everyone.

Are you feeling lonely, hearing of others’ plans for the holidays that involve lots of people?

Or are you enjoying solitude, and hoping you can find as much of it as possible for the next six weeks?

Interesting that a situation can be both for some of us, especially as we grow older and friends or family members move away, or die, leaving us to feel the loss of their companionship and support. Especially during the holiday season, when it can feel like everyone else is a member of the Waltons.

Yet we can be alone without feeling lonely. In fact, you can definitely feel very lonely even in the midst of a crowd. 

Theologian, professor and thinker Paul Tillich spent a lot of time pondering what it means to be alone and/or lonely.

In “The Eternal Now”, he writes:

“Our language has wisely sense these two sides of man’s being alone.  It has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone.  And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone…”

Tillich goes on to discuss the many ways in which solitude can serve our souls.  “Loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude…”We can speak without voice to the trees and the clouds and the waves of the sea…. Solitude can also be found in the reading of poetry, in listening to music, in looking at pictures, and in sincere thoughtfulness.  We are alone…but we are not lonely.   Solitude protects us without isolating us.  But life call us back to its empty talk and the unavoidable demands of daily routine….”

Does “life call us back,” or is that the world we have created for ourselves won’t let us be silent for a moment, much less alone?  Cell phones. Texting. Emails. Social media. Meet-up groups. Online dating.  Conference calls. Even church.  While all can enhance our lives, are they sometimes robbing us of the solitude we each need to keep our balance?

And what about the inventors, artists, writers, poets, and others who are driven to creative expression? Is this even possible without time alone…and is time alone even possible?

Tillich says, “You cannot become or remain creative without solitude.  One hour of conscious solitude will enrich your creativity far more than hours of trying to learn the creative process.”

True, some do very well bouncing ideas and concepts off others in a group. But for many creative people, spending some time alone to let the tiny nuggets of ideas float to the top has always been much more productive. How else can we hear what our minds and hearts are trying to tell us?

Some people are extroverts. Some are introverts…people who, according to Psychology Today, engage the world in fundamentally different ways. Social engagements can drain them, while quiet time gives them an energy boost. In fact, MRI studies have shown that people who be considered loners actually experience more blood flow in certain areas of their brains during social situations, which can be exhausting.

At the age of 82, Psychologist Carl Jung wrote in a letter these words: “Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living. Talking is often torment for me, and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words….”

Still, it’s important to remember that loneliness—not solitude—can be bad for our health, especially if you are over 60.  It can keep us from sleeping. Increase our risk for dementia. And even increase the risk of early death.  So what to do?  You can’t just build a friend in the basement. 

But you can take some simple steps to help you feel better and maybe make it easier to make new connections.

Take a walk. Exercise. Strike up a conversation with someone in a coffee shop.  Sign up for a volunteer event.  Attend some holiday concerts or craft fairs. Get a pet—trust me, you won’t be lonely long.

Whether you’re feeling lonely at the moment, or enjoying a quiet break from the crowd, balance is always the key.

As boomers and beyond, we know we have to be a part of the world, but we also know we must feed our souls.

“It’s your road and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.” Rumi

Smartphones are wonderful, as long as they don’t get smarter than you. Which seems to be a growing trend. You get the phone, and suddenly have to turn on turn on new switches in your brain so you can figure out how to use all the convenient new features that will make your life easier.

At least, that’s the idea.

Recently I became the recipient of yet another new phone, quite by accident. I was simply trying to lower my wireless bill and before the hour-and-a-half conversation with the carrier was over, I was being told my new free phone would be arriving within a few days. What fun! Now I could endure the anxiety of trying to transfer all my data without losing my religion. (Like Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein when he assembled the body parts to make the monster, complete with the bolt of lightning.)

Once that joyous process was successfully completed, I wondered if I really needed all the apps that are on the phone. And what about all those apps, anyway?  Are they talking to each other?  Are they plotting our demise? Is Siri somehow planning to take over the world?

I decided to leave that to my techie friends to worry about. I opted instead to take my dog for a walk. With my phone, of course. (But at least it was in my pocket, and not in my face. Trust me, on behalf of all dogs everywhere, don’t take them for a walk and stare at your phone.)

We began our walk. And of course, someone approached us with absolutely no clue of how to control their unleashed dog and I made a snide remark (after they walked by, of course). Like always.

Then it hit me.

What are the “apps” inside of me that should be cleared out?

For instance.

• App:  Seriously? Do you own a leash?? My immediate thought when I see a human with an unleashed dog that is ruining everyone else’s walk. Followed by my most scornful look and shaking of my head.

• App:  Get.Out.Of.My.Lane. This app serves two purposes and can only be engaged when driving. It is both vocally expressed, “Get out of my lane you X#%$#.” It also ties in nicely with any health app on the phone that monitors blood pressure and heart rate. Both of mine rise significantly whenever I engage this app.

• App:  While we’re young! Here’s a handy one, it can be used when I’m standing in a line that never moves. Behind someone at a left turn signal who doesn’t move their car when the light turns green, but finally takes off just as it is turning red so I can wait for the next green light. Or when I’m waiting for the buffering to stop on the television during a crucial scene in a program. Another great frustration app.

• App:  Please nothing new.  This is an app I really need to lose, as it is connected to the part of my brain that does not want to learn any new ways of formatting documents, logging in, changing passwords, storing information, accessing clouds, and so on. I need to delete it within myself. Because everything is new every single day and I’m lucky to be here still figuring it all out.

It’s just been such a crazy year again. Feels like the earth is off its axis, and we are going to be flung off of it a lot sooner than we think. So much anger and hatefulness and impatience everywhere. Drivers going 100 mph on city streets and barely missing other cars. Angry consumers taking out their frustrations on exhausted wait staffs and service people. It’s as though adults have come together to throw one collective tantrum.

And I don’t want to be part of that.

So I’m going to be sure when some of the less positive “apps” within me are engaged, I do my best to catch them early enough to hit “delete.” I won’t succeed every time. But I’m going to do my best.

Remember, everyone is exhausted.

Everyone is a little scared.

Everyone is dealing with something inside no one else knows about.

Everyone deserves a right to be alive, to be respected, and to do the best they can. (And if they are truly evil, a greater force will intervene as needed.)  

I’m hoping for a relatively quiet holiday season, with some good tidings thrown in and full connectivity for everyone. Fingers crossed.

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”

Aesop

“How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours.”

Wayne Dyer

“A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.”

Dave Berry