The world is changing in every way. Yet while many of us are faced with the same challenges as before, it can just feel much harder when you feel confined within four walls. Living with or taking care of someone with dementia or other cognitive issues is never easy, especially now.
And often it’s even harder: not being able to visit a loved one due to a lockdown of a community. Or, attempting to have a conversation through a glass window or door.
When we love someone, and we see her or him slipping away from us (physically or mentally), it can be so hard. It can leave you feeling helpless, and often, angry.
If your mother or father ever suffered or suffers from Alzheimer’s or dementia, you know how hard it can be to have conversations. Their reality is not the same as yours, and the challenge of trying to adjust to that on the spot can be hard for many adult children. And if your visits are currently limited to a wave from outdoors, the guilt and frustration can be overwhelming.
When my mother’s mind began to fade, she was convinced another woman lived in the house and the clothes in a particular closet were evidence of this. She also would become angry and want to know why I had not come home from school on time (I was fully grown). Many times, she was convinced she saw her mother in the room (her mother had died many, many years before).
It hurt and confused my father, and could make him angry. It frightened some people. And while it could break my heart, I learned a very valuable lesson about communicating with someone with memory challenges..
Don’t argue.
It’s hard for many adult children to accept this. They feel it’s their duty to correct Dad when he says he has to get back with the squadron before it takes off. Or remind Mom that Dad is no longer alive and she shouldn’t set an extra place for him. Or stubbornly demand a parent remember everything correctly when the simple medical fact is, they can’t. You do. But they don’t.
If all your mother or father has left is the life they live in their minds, because physically they can no longer garden, run, travel, cook, or repair the car, let them have those moments of peace. And if your parent is upset about something that just isn’t true (such as how he or she needs to go the bus stop right now and go home), instead of arguing, why not just redirect the conversation into a pleasant memory or topic.
Things change for all of us as we grow older. For someone with dementia, the changes are frightening and lonely. I have watched a lot of futile arguments and the results are everyone is miserable. But when you can just go with the flow, nod your head and smile, and redirect the topic of conversation, things go much better.
Because I believe even as our minds go, one very important thing still is true: we all want to be heard.
Alzheimer’s Association offers this advice for helping your loved one communicate:
- Be patient and supportive. Let your loved one know you’re listening, show you care about what he or she is saying, and don’t interrupt.
- Offer comfort and reassurance. If they can’t communicate, let them know it’s okay.
- Avoid criticizing or correcting. Instead, try to find the meaning of what was said.
- Avoid arguing. Even if you don’t agree with what was just said, let it go. Arguing just increases agitation.
- Encourage unspoken communication. Ask your loved one if they can point, or gesture, if they are having trouble communicating.
- Limit distractions. Try to have your visit in a quiet place so he or she can focus on what they are trying to say.
- Focus on feelings, not facts. It’s the emotions that count, not the facts.
Of course trying to do some of these things through a window of an assisted living or memory care community is even harder. But there are some tips from experts on how to stay in touch during these difficult times.
If your loved one can communicate by phone, try to keep a regular schedule for your calls. Same for visits…if every Tuesday at 10 a.m. is a good time, put it on your calendar and let your parent’s caregivers know that’s when you’ll be there. Drop off letters and packages…get the grandchildren involved in making something your loved one can put on the wall or keep to remind them of you. Frame a fun photo. (Do remember to follow cleaning tips with everything you make and deliver. ) Make use of online chats if possible.
Easier said than done I know. But remember you are not alone. Check out caregiver support groups online or talk to a friend or spouse. Even in these times, help is out there if you look for it. Go for a walk and let yourself relax. Take care of yourself as much as you can, and maybe you’ll find it a bit easier to meet your loved ones where they are.
“The first duty of love is to listen.”
Paul Tillich
which can include chronic disease, falls prevention, and elder justice. More personally, we can check on an elderly person who may not have an advocate—are their living conditions safe? Do they need an occasional help with transportation? Could we take a few hours from our weekend to spend time with them?
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