making new friends and keeping old friends

Making new friends…do you find that easy to do? Do you stay in touch with many old friends, or just a few? (sorry about the rhyming.)

If you’ve moved across the country, changed jobs, divorced or undergone any major life change, finding new friends—and keeping the old—can be a challenge. When we’re younger, there seem to be so many opportunities to meet others who share our interests. But it can get a lot tougher as we age.

I remember years ago working with a person who said, “I have enough friends. I don’t need any more.” This person was probably 40. I was so taken aback by that statement; I couldn’t imagine not wanting to add new friends to my life.

I’ve been fortunate in that even though I did move to a new part of the country, I have made a few very precious new friends. And just as satisfying is keeping friendships alive that I had at my previous address. In fact, there are a few friends I’ve not seen since I was a child.

What is it that makes one friendship stick, while another fades away?

For me, changing my life taught me many things about friendships. One big lesson was how much I value people who are giving, caring, and interested in others. They’re the ones you can count on when things are bleak. They’re not just your pals when you have a great job, live in a cool city, or have good connections. They’re the ones who will sit with you when cry about a lost love, rage over an unfair boss, or worry over an aging parent.

And when you have a friend like that, you for sure want him or her in your life always.

Some studies suggest we are friends with people who look like us (I’m not so sure about this). Other studies say there’s some genetic connection; that we sense others with a similar gene makeup. Then there’s the whole theory behind how we often become friends with those we see a great deal, whether through work or church or sitting in a coffee shop every Tuesday.

I’d like to think that as we become older, we are better at seeing past the superficial and choosing a friend simply on who he or she is…a good person. Someone we want to spend time with. And someone who is willing to drive us to the airport, sit in a hospital waiting room, and listen to our bad jokes (as we should do for them).

And just as importantly, I hope that I have learned enough to be a great friend myself.

Research tells us how good for us good friends are, especially if we’re over 50. Having a good friend boosts our immune system, increases our “feel good” hormones, reduces stress and pain, lessens grief, and even helps protect against dementia.

For sure, some “friendships” are not good for us. I have had some, and I’ll bet you know the type. They talk a good game, but they’re not around when a good friend would be. Or they suddenly just drop you like a hot potato. As a wise man once said, life is too short…just walk away.

Have your ideas about friendship changed as you’ve grown older? What do you think makes a truly great friend?